I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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