He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
