Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
