Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
