my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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