my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
