I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
