i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
third nipple confirmed
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
