So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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