Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
