the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
