I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
