i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
