The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
