Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
