don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
