When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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