My friends, they love my intelligence
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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