My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
