even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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