drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
