Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
