I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
