Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
