New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
