she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
