the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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