She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
