**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
What a fucking waste of an outfit
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
