I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
