Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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