you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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