dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
