3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
