I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
