there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
