He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
