Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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