I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
