I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
