And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
