Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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