what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
