if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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