I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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