He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
