I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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