I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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