One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Don't make out with my wife yet
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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