Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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