its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
