Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
