so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
