i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
